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27 December 2009 @ 04:00 am
teal deer ahead  

I needed somewhere to get the words running around inside my head out so that I can actually manage to go to sleep and I guess it might as well be here.

So the parents bought a PS3 today because it's Boxing Day and they like buying... stuff. Since my parents are not gamers in any sense of the word.

Anyway, the boyfriend texts me and I reply with general "what's up, whatcha doing, parents bought a ps3 I'm in the middle of setting it up for them" or whatever kind of message. Eventually this leads to talking on the phone, and it ends pretty much with him saying he'll come over in a while but he's gotta go 'cause he has my present to fix up.

So I go back to working on the PS3, and I get it up to speed with all the internet connectivity bits and the updates and then download a demo to test it out with because the parents did not think far enough to consider buying a game.

The boyfriend gets in around halfway through my playing the demo of FEAR2 and proceeds to first hand me Demon's Souls (a fantasy action RPG) first specifying that it was Carter's and that I could only play it for a day or two. Which is fine, cool, thanks. And then he proceeded to make fun of the new shiny, the game, my playing, and then to dictate exactly what I was supposed to do.

...I've beaten FEAR2(PC) on hard before. I may not know step-by-step how each map is laid out, but I do know reasonably well how to play it. I know I'm bad at adjusting to new control settings. Shitty keymaps on a controller make for especially crap playing when the joystick zips my targeting right past the whole enemy soldier dude and I have to flick it several times to adjust it (meanwhile, said guy is also ducking away and/or emptying a clip into my face) and "just kill him!" is not good advice. (I am thankful, however, that he is not one of those asshats that grab the controller away with a "no like THIS.")

Okay then. I give up on FEAR2, I move on to testing out the shiny new actual game (side note: Demon's Souls introduction is totally modeled after Disney's Fern Gully, the voiceover made me sit up and stare) which involved me running around and eventually dying, playing some more, and eventually giving up and wandering back upstairs to play Killing Floor.

A couple of rounds later, Dad starts downloading something for work, skyrocketing my ping to 200+, which makes being a berzerker, even a bad one, difficult to play. I stop, flop over on the bed with Dan and at some point in time, I say "so so so what's my present? :D"

Which he responds with "OH, you mean I haven't gotten you enough presents already?"


So, apparently lending me a game for a day was my present. In a phone conversation about it afterward, he said something along the lines of "oh, I didn't know presents had to be about handing over permanent ownership of stuff, I thought it was about the doing of a thing too" in that oh-look-at-you-just-wanting-more-stuff tone. I don't, actually. I don't demand that more stuff be bought for me on a timely basis, I have always had a healthy disgust of people like that. I just misunderstood because no, actually, lending me someone else's game didn't actually make me assume at all that hey, this is my present.

Of course, after this misunderstanding I must have made a bad situation worse by asking him to list me what he considered to be Christmas presents. I am the first to admit he pays for a lot of stuff for me, oftentimes as if just to prove he has a faster wallet-draw than me at the cashier. Does all of that count? Even the presents I'm trying to buy for other people and that he intercepts while I'm fumbling for correct denominations of cash? I wanted to know. First out of genuine curiosity, second because I haven't found anything for him for Christmas and I really would like to make sure I don't cheap out on a gift if there's so many he feels he's gotten me.

And then making a worse situation, he'd mentioned getting me the Killing Floor DLC skin pack, and I giggled a little that he'd mention it on his list because it's $1.95 on Steam, and the first time he'd urged me to get it was in a game where everyone else was wearing the yellow hazmat suit and calling themselves bananas while at the same time loling at each other about the terrible, life-sucking, wallet-draining price of those suits. But evidently, this was forgotten in favor of being terribly insulted, and his trying to flounce off back to Kitchener.

So things get uncomfortable, we are both terribly unhappy and insulted by each other, then better, dinner comes, movie follows, he leaves amiable.

...But that's not good enough for me. If something has gone wrong, especially in a relationship, I've learned that letting it lie just doesn't work and I want to discuss it. I've had years enough about being a guy about things. Fuck that. So the phone conversation we have when he gets home eventually leads back to it because I tell him I'm still sad. And he gets all defensive, essentially demanding me why I have any right to be sad. There are very few things that sound more patronizing than such phrases like "are you listening to yourself?"

Because yes. I get it. I'm quite at fault myself. I get why he's upset. I get that the words "is that it?" sound terrible, though it was said after the situation while I was describing it, not during, and bringing it up as if that was the reason he felt hurt then was unfair and a lie.

But what does upset me is that he doesn't get why I would be upset. At all. Oh, I don't know. Maybe implying that I'm a cheap golddigger? That I'm calling him a cheap bastard and demanding a receipt for the presents he gives me when he should know damn fucking well that I would never do any of that and the idea of it disgusts me? Because it's insulting and hurtful when I try my damndest not to be anything like that?

Is it just so hard to have a little fucking faith in me that hey, I'm not like that, don't jump to conclusions when you know better? He's spent a good 90% of our relationship telling me half the reason he likes me as much as he does is because I'm not actually like that at all, but he's still completely ready to assume I am in spite of that. That's not exactly easy or pleasant to stomach from someone you love.

...I have no idea where I'm going with this now. I'm just tired, and upset, and sick of being curled up in bed crying in the early hours of the morning. Fuck self-pity, it never does me any good, it just makes me bitter and I am determined not to be that.

To all the rest of you, hope you all had a good Christmas! Regular Steph-schedule will resume upon my waking because I'm certain there are things that I have forgotten to do and I am in no fit state of mind to do them.
Current Mood: uncomfortableunhappy
ext_124178 on December 27th, 2009 04:03 pm (UTC)
Aww honey. That is definitely strange, lending a gift for Christmas, and you don't get to say "well I buy you so much stuff all year" that's not how it works. I don't think he has an understanding of Christmas, and it was perfectly alright of you to ask what your gift was, because I wouldn't have assumed that the loaner was a gift either.
That said though, I'm sad that you guys are on rough terms, I'm sure it will work itself out. Everyone just had a hot head and said things they didn't mean, we all know that you're not greedy or money grubbing.
That's exciting about your PS3. How did he know that you were getting a PS3... sounds to me like he didn't have a gift prepared.
Anywhoo, I hope it gets better for you sweety, stop your crying~! *hugs* Much love and Merry Christmas.
Stephanie: moonstonemirroredsakura on December 27th, 2009 06:33 pm (UTC)
Oh no, it wasn't quite like that... I've always said that I never really want anything all special and 'Christmas gift'-y, it's usually just small, generally spur-of-the-moment things like hey look, this mascara comes in a small trial size yay. And he bought me a DS game. :)

So nah, not really a case of not having a gift prepared, just a misunderstanding that barreled on into full-tilt grr-rargh.

Also: you are on the internet. This means you are home now from your holidays, yes? Do something together we must! (for one, compare schedules)
(Anonymous) on December 30th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)
No I'm not home yet. And too lazy to log in. We have limited internet up here. If you do anything more then check your e-mail it caps you (so it just TRICKLES and you can't even check your e-mail) until the next day for "over-usage" (WTF?).
Glad it was just anger-rant and not terribles. I'm going to read your new post now :P
(Anonymous) on December 28th, 2009 01:09 am (UTC)

I was originally going to address this in two segments but replying seems much more efficient...

Laura: clearly, I missed the memo where "the meaning of Christmas" was explained to me. Last time I checked, it's an anniversary of a birth of a [potentially ficticious, I'm not gonna get into religion here] single individual. I'm going to summarize the whole notion of gift-buying in our 21st century, western culture as the commercialization of christmas. With that being said, I find it vaguely amusing that you have a judgemental tone (couldnt think of a better word) on how others "ought" to celebrate -- commercialize christmas. We'll get to the commercialization stuff later. Sure, you're entitled to your opinion and I'll never trod on that but do recognize that the "ought" mentality (I know you didnt use the words directly) does get very icky if you go down that path.

But let's entertain this notion of 'lending' for a second and work through a thought experiment. Let's try and explicitly come up with a definition of what constitutes a gift - because clearly there are conflicting definitions (no sarcasm intended, I truly would love to hear what you personally, as a human being, consider a gift in a single sentance). I'll state mine: a gift is an item/action given/performed by one individual to another for the purposes of satisfying a need or a want (encompassing both clear-cut wants such as "the shiny" and not so clear-cut wants such as "warm fuzzy feelings"). I am of course leaving out malicious gifts from this definition but for the topic at hand, it's not entirely important. Now if your definition of a gift drastically conflicts with mine, I don't think there's a whole lot we can really move forward with.

So yeah. If your definition differs drastically, stop reading now and save your eyes the effort.

Otherwise, I would say the following qualify as gifts:
- Making someone a cake
- Buying someone a toy
- Giving someone a massage
- Getting someone a leg-up on a job interview
- Setting aside your time to do something with/for someone

Let's take a quick break and address a core factual error. "Apparently, lending me a game for a day was my present". Actually it wasnt. Me going out of my way to get said game, was. For the accountants that fret over price tags, my time is billed at $140/hr (and that's no joke... sure it's a more work/professional context, but it fits nonetheless). But I dont give a hoot about the price tag because, until now, nobody's ever inquired as to the price of a gift. (If you must know, the entire reason I went out of my way to get a game was *because* she got a PS3 -- I was aware that she had access to content already, I got the game so that they could test the unit to ensure that it works etc).

Also, let it be noted that when I asked you "oh, you mean i haven't gotten you enough presents already" -- you didnt say no.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I've never been one to shy away from getting things for people out of the blue -- whether it be a doodad at the store I think someone might find useful or paying for meals. I give freely and for the most part, dont expect a damn thing in return. Sure that's partially because those expectations will almost certainly result in fail but that's beside the point -- I like to visualize things as a "magnifying mirror": you do good to me, I try and do way more good to you. Read into as you will.
(Anonymous) on December 28th, 2009 01:10 am (UTC)

So yeah, precondition factual fail. At no point was the gift a loaner -- since it was not mine to loan but rather, me going out of my way to try and help (i.e. to get a game so that we could make sure the unit works). If you want to tag that, let's say 30minutes of time and an hour's worth of fuel. But you keep track of it, cuz I'm not going to. But I digress from my original intended theme -- what differs a "gift" from a "Christmas gift"?
- Is it how it's wrapped?
- Is it how much it costs?
- Is it how hard it was to obtain?
- Does it have to be bought/made/done during a specifc time?
- Does it have to be given/delivered during a specific time?
- Or is there a label on the box written in psychedelic pink that says "christmas present"

Cuz for you (steph) to ask me, "what did you get me for christmas", I certainly need to know what you consider a christmas-grade present -- because I always thought, a gift is a gift (which is whY i had such hard time trying to answer). While I certainly find the hyped commercialization of christmas to be a source of amusement -- it's always great to hear people fret about how they *have* to get so and so a present "for christmas" ... cuz really, those other 360+ days.... totally not possible to get them any presents at all. /sarcasm.

So yeah, if you can articulate for me the criteria for qualifying as a christmas present, I will be glad to enumerate.

Factual error number two lies in "bringing that up as if that was the reason he felt hurt was unfair and a lie". At no point did I comment that the words "is that is" was the source of my problems. In fact, if there was ever a confusion, I'll state for record that those words were mentioned well after. And resulted in me being upset *then*.

To wrap this up let's look at the events in chronological order (from my perspective):
[1] Steph asks "so what did you get me for christmas"? (Red Flag: 0, Yellow Flag: 1)
[2] I say to her "what? you want a list?" (test case 1: maybe she's joking)
[3] Steph says "i just wanna know, what do you consider to be christmas presents"
[4] I say to her "well, I got you the DS game"
[5] Steph then says "what else did you get me?" (test case 1 fails, test case 2: maybe she's just prying for information... fyi you should know by now this is the least effective way to go about it)
[6] I say "well I got you the killing floor skins"
[7] Steph then says "anything else?" (test case 2 fails: anyone who was digging for intel would have been able to read body language and reluctance to answer, test case 3: maybe she wanted something in specific or she wanted more)
[8] I say "didnt I get you enough?"
[9] Steph says "well you said you got me a present today" (test case 3: inconclusive)
[10] Steph says "besides, werent the killing floor skins like a dollar?" (Red Flag: 1, Yellow Flag: 1)
[11] I say [awkwardly and hesitantly], "no" (test case 4: maybe she's tallying dollar value to see what to get me -- which I explicitly told her actually want NOTHING ... someone who's not tallying up dollar values would know to stop pressing now)
[12] Steph says "well how much were they" (test case 4: fail)

There is an "out of sequence" failure with your story steph. You state that you can see how/why I might get upset and yet you are upset that I would imply you're a golddigger. Unfortunately, they go hand in hand. To bust out CO103 (Combinatorics and Optimization), "why I might be upset" => "imply you're a gold digger". With the sequence of events, I ask you what would be a logical conclusion for me to draw?
(Anonymous) on December 28th, 2009 01:10 am (UTC)

As for faith. As an ironic twist of words, faith (in this context) is built upon proof. And proof can only be provided by temptation (or potential to fail). So while I totally understand why you might be upset (and I did state that), your reasons for being upset are on the right hand side of the 'implies' (the =>) and as such, depend on the component on the left, namely, why I might be upset. In English, your reasons for being upset would not exist (both practically and pure-logically) if I didnt have a reason to be upset.

I know. I know. It sounds callous (math is like that). I will state that I recognize your intentions for asking were not golddigger related but rather out of curiosity (which was my first major question -- how to you determine what is a christmas present). As I have said time and time again, if you're upset, then I need to know (both when and why) -- because you and I process emotions very differently. For future reference, my emotional response:

response = this_person_no_longer_matters_to_me ? ruin_their_life_and_make_sport_out_of_them : purge_emotion_forget_about_it;

I kid. Ok no I dont (I forgive easily up to a point). But in all seriousness, see the logical implies-statement as it encapsulates the events perfectly. Sure this leads to a "well if person A didnt do this, then person B wouldnt have to do this and person A wouldnt this blah blah" but that's the nature of linear-time. Of course the precondition for the implies statement the issue of "faith". In a generalized context, with the exception of very, VERY specific individuals who know me exceptionally well, I dont have faith in anyone, for anything, ever. Being in the school-system taught me that. Oh and life too. With respect to gold diggers, while I'm not suggesting that you are a gold digger but to play devils advocate, wouldnt being upset about being implied as being a gold digger be the most appropriate tactical response? Absolutely. Of course, we have history and so, because of that, I come up with alternate reasons for why would be so adament about getting a list of christmas presents (for the record, at no point do I even give distinguish "christmas present" -- I just say present)

In any case... I'm starting to rant and blather... as a last ditch attempt to retain some semblance of structure and logic:

PS Laura: two questions for you - [1] what would bother you more? Someone who borrowed your car and didn't return it? Or someone who borrowed your pencil and didnt return it? [2] do you ever [seriously] tell people what you want for christmas? (i.e. not santa :p)

PS Steph: to my knowledge, you never played the FEAR2 demo. Like the FEAR Demo, the demo is not taken as a snapshot of a level of the game, in fact it's a composite of numerous (~10) different areas spanning the entire game (in fact the FEAR/FEAR2 demos are works of art in and of themselves in how they mesh up seamlessly). So with that being said, being that I've committed each scripted event to memory, I *am* qualified to tell you what you need to do if you want to successfully complete the mission. You, having the controller in your hands, have always been entitled to completely disregard my comments/suggestions/banter.

Stephaniemirroredsakura on December 28th, 2009 07:39 am (UTC)
If I answered "I didn't get you enough presents?" with a "no," I would be lying because I think you have already gotten me enough, nor would it have made you happy. I think you mean you wanted to hear "yes, I have already received enough, tyvm."

And you in fact did say during our phone conversation something along these lines "and when you say stuff like 'is that it?', sure I understand now but that didn't mean it didn't make me feel bad then." I don't remember the word sequence, but I did remember that stuck out to me because I was so "wtf I said that just now and only now not then when you were so upset."

Your chronological order of events is wrong. I asked 9 first, while I was still playing Killing Floor and sitting at my desk. You replied with "Haven't I gotten you enough presents?" (8) which was when I realized that you bringing me the game was the present. It was only afterward when I sat down on the bed with you and started trying to ask you for some ideas as to a Christmas present that the rest came about because of the reasons I specified. (the rest of your sequence)

Please don't bring out the math. Really, I can understand in plain English, and it was unnecessary and had a callous trying-to-talk-smart feel to it, which I don't think you wanted to give. As it is, sure. I agree. You had reason to be upset. And that followed through with my being upset. I didn't disagree with that. Which is why I called it a misunderstanding thus giving us both reasons to be. What made me especially upset is because you thought I had absolutely no reason to be. You were the only injured party. Which was not true and once I got my reasons out, you knew why I asked them--and they were not because I'm a money-grubbing bitch. So seeing as afterward you knew how I thought and how I felt about it, you still didn't understand why I would be insulted?

And you say I have to tell you then when I am sad... think on it yourself, you never stick around long enough to listen if I do that. Already you were jumping up to go. In previous situations when you have gotten upset and feel like "the bad guy" you say "I'm gonna go," and hang up or leave without even thinking of actually talking or listening to reasons why. Always, always, it has to be afterward, once you and I cool off a little and when I can actually be coherent in my explanation so that you understand. Which is what we do, and so this is what I did for this one.

You may not say the words "Christmas presents" but you do refer to them as such. Not quite perhaps, you just say "what do you want for Christmas?" which I auto-reorganize to equate to "Christmas presents." I don't think that is wrong.

RE: PS. I did play the FEAR2 demo actually, I did it once you sent me the youtube video of the one guy freaking out on the console version. You're like my parents when they are yelling at me while I was learning how to drive "watch out for that man watch out for that man WATCH OUT FOR THAT MAN" "I can see him!" "DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!"

It's not exactly the same, but it's still that kind of yes, please, I know, let me do this, that's not the reason I suck, kind of frustration. It's called politeness, not a question of whether or not you're qualified to tell me exactly what to do to successfully complete it or whether or not I listen to you. I know you are. I know I can. Given time and a little less fussing, I will work through it just like I did the actual game. As it was, I was just dicking around, fooling with the controls (which required me not to die a sad Replican-induced death).

...I tried to go point-by-point on this reply, but I don't know if I did. It's been a bad day.