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29 December 2009 @ 10:58 am
Ugh  
There are fewer things in life that I hate more than my father on a freaking power trip.


So the other night, the father and I had another one of our every-now-and-then fights. This happened to start because he told me to get up off my ass and set the table, and I replied that um, both of my parents were blocking access to both plates and cutlery.

This was not good enough of a reason because he continues to yell at me, and I had not been in a good mood all day because of the events of the day before (see previous entry; this was exceptionally weird because I don't stay mad so long as a general rule) so I snapped back at him with an 'insolent tone'. I COULDN'T GET THE PLATES BECAUSE THEY WERE IN THE WAY. By this time though, he had moved away from the cutlery drawer and so he's yelling at me to get those. And I do. But I'm so mad I'm just slapping them down on the table, and as I pass by him, he goes and kicks me.

So I whip around and hit him back because fuck you, how old am I going to be before he'll actually quit beating me around?

And this gets him madder and he hits me again one more time for good measure before the rest of the family comes into the fray and pulls us apart.

Fine holiday fun. The rest of the setup gets done with him yelling about how much I fail in life, general insults that are untrue, and his working towards considering kicking me out of the house. Oh, and how the worst thing that I've ever could have done was HIT HIM BACK. Because of course, he is perfectly allowed to conduct a beatdown on his 20+ year-old daughter, but she is not allowed to retaliate oh no.

Fuck that. He wasn't trying to be a just anything about this, he was having a tantrum same as me, and he just thinks he's entitled to venting it more than I am. To turn around later and say "I'm allowed to punish you, but you're not allowed to hit me back." is bullshit. Punishment can be something you deliver with a cool head, not just because you got mad and they're within the range of your fucking foot and it makes you feel better to just hit them.

So since then, I have had a night and a day's worth of everyone, my father trying to make up (in his own self-righteous way), my mother, my grandmother, all of which has essentially led to this:

1) You're a girl. You shouldn't fight.
2) He's your father. He's allowed to hit you. You're not allowed to hit him back. You're not even allowed to answer back even if you happen to be right. It doesn't actually matter, he's the man.
3) He does all sorts of unfair things. But you know that already. (Excuses what?)
4) Yes, he's in the wrong too. But you're easier to punish.
5) You're the daughter, this is why you've disappointed him.
6) You're the firstborn, this is why you've disappointed him.
7) These are ways that you should improve yourself. No, it won't help your relationship with him, but they're the (current) reasons why he doesn't like you.
8) Okay. Everything's better now, right? Yay, now go apologize.

. . . No. Sorry. We've made up, but I haven't apologized for hitting him back. I won't. He is not allowed to hit me without some repercussion. I put up with a lot of his fucking shit, way more than most other kids will even stand to take, and I can do it. Hell, I can even do it smiling. But I'm like his emotional stress relief because whatever he happens to be mad about currently, none of that actually tops all the stuff he's built up being mad about about me and it's ever so easy to snap at me about the stupidest thing. THIS SOCK IS ON THE GROUND WHY IS IT THERE? YOU STUPID LAZY GIRL YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR THIS HOUSE LOOK YOU CAN'T EVEN PICK UP STUFF AS YOU WALK BY IT, DIDN'T YOU SEE IT? I SAW IT. IF I CAN SEE IT, YOU SHOULD PICK IT UP.

See? And sometimes I can take it. The other day, not so much.

But whatever. We are better. Kinda. We're in that uneasy peace-for-now stage that always accompanies one of our occasional brawls.

Of course, yesterday, he goes on to new levels of living up the power trip. Certainly, a lot of it was my fault. I download the most out of all of us and last month I broke the 150GB download limit Bell sets on us. So last night, I mentioned that someone's using up all our bandwidth and I wasn't sure who it was. I was downloading Oblivion off of Steam, which, yes, is freaking gigantic but I'd stopped the download and there was no change. I know now (and had my suspicions then) that selecting the "Pause download" option is useless and did nothing and it continues to update because it feels like it can.

This put him on the idea of checking download limits for the day, and as of last night, it was ~9GBs down, ~1.7GBs up. Five of which were Oblivion, and I said it, the upload was also probably mostly me because I'd been torrenting a little bit as well. Either way, both had been stopped and I said that, but this did not to deter him from deciding that he would turn off the modem when he was done with it for the night.

I happened to be in the middle of a discussion at the time when blip, sorry, no, we're done for the night. Excuse me, you couldn't even manage a fucking warning?

I hate. HATE people who fuck with my internet. I hate it more when there's absolutely no fucking reason for it but that he can and does just to flex his precious I'm-the-man muscles. Honestly, if I ever give up on the male half of the human race altogether and seek shelter in a lesbian commune singing about the power of the vulva, it won't have pretty much anything to do with other men, just the one. Nothing, nothing brings on the shitstorm like me and my father staying in the same house nowadays.

So... Brilliant. I lose out on prime RPing hours (read: at night, because [if you didn't want to trawl through the above cut and frankly I don't blame you in the least] my dad likes his modem-controlling power trip) and now I have to leave for the day so there's no hope of starting something now, either. Ugh. I've never sucked so much at something I like doing this much, and which hell, I don't think I do that badly in.

Head in hands, people, why are my holidays turning into one long emo moment? I swear I gotta be doing something wrong.
 
 
Current Mood: uncomfortableupset
Current Music: Armchair Cynics - Bang
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Stephanie: this is how I roll: wheee!mirroredsakura on December 30th, 2009 05:31 pm (UTC)
Hahah if only! ♥

Do you frequent elsewhere than LJ/inksome nowadays? I miss you too and am fully intending to stalk you like a creeper in order to show it. ;)
(Deleted comment)
Stephanie: this is the motherfucking spartamirroredsakura on December 31st, 2009 05:44 pm (UTC)
My interest is piqued. My my, how stealthy. :D

Email is mirroredsakura [at] yahoo [dot] com because yes, I am so original like that. :)
(Anonymous) on December 30th, 2009 01:11 am (UTC)
*huggles* Holidays with family IS one long emo moment. I'll never understand the hitting-ones-child thing, I know it's partially a cultural thing but it's just like you said, Why would a full-grown man feel the need to hit anyone or anything smaller and younger then him. Siiighs. I'm starting to get stressed hanging out with my Dad up here too. Jake and I are coming home for a New Years party though, so we'll probably leave tomorrow. Anyways, have strength my dear.
-Laura
Stephanie: spikes?mirroredsakura on December 30th, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC)
Well, for the most part the cultural aspect carries over pretty much only through childhood. You can see it in my family too (...not that I'd want you to because that would be awkward, and it'd be in Chinese) since now there's really no physical punishment aspect of the relationship as a means of dispensing justice, just lots of yelling.

I'm pretty sure even he now sees it as abuse in some way, he just loses his temper with me easier than most people as well and it's just easier to take shelter in the idea that he's in the right for doing it rather than admit how wrong it is. :| But. baby steps. :)