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07 July 2004 @ 11:11 pm
*posts, then runs away to sleep*  
Well... I typed it up. And I changed my mind (again), and plan to make a bit of a longer fic revolving GacktxHyde, HydexMegumi, TetsuxMegumi... *cracks fingers* Oh, there'll be a lot more than angsty Megu-chan whinging about her marriage.

And... yeah. Calculus to the brain. I actually think I like Megumi. ^^;; Why else would I write fic in her POV? oO

The letters in the desk drawer...

Life's Lessons

How does a girl go about asking her husband if he’s cheating on her?

“Honey, please pass the potatoes—-oh and are you having hot steamy sex with anyone behind my back?”

I sighed. It lacked… subtlety. And sanity, come to it. Which meant that… really, there was absolutely nothing left for me to say.

The baby was crying. I went to him, held him close, and slowly his wail petered down into little hiccups, and finally silence.

Our beautiful baby. He had my eyes. My nose. But his face, his mouth… all his father’s. Our beautiful, beautiful baby. I thought I had everything, I honestly did. I wonderful child, and what I had thought was a wonderful marriage. Despite the frequent hate mails found in my inbox, the steady flow of fan mail in his, girl young enough to be his daughter offering him sexual favors, all his long absences… he always came back, and he always came back smiling no matter how tired he was or how much of a hurry he was in. That was the life of a rock star and his wife. I didn’t complain. I’d known all that was coming when he’d went down on his knees and slipped the ring on my finger, and I’d known on that glorious Christmas Day not too long ago.

But… never had the possibility of his having an affair behind my back ever occurred to me.

Perhaps it should have. After all, I’d seen his concerts, been to quite a few of them myself in fact, although I’d never advertised my presence. I’d seen the flirtation, the fanservice… but he’d never taken any of it seriously. So… I never had either.

Was I naïve? Innocent for thinking so?

All I knew was that I was alone in our house, my son in my arms making contented cooing noises as I held him against my chest, and all I could do was stare numbly, the lewd letters from a certain Gackt addressed to my husband with incriminating implications.

A one-night stand with a woman I could have taken with equanimity, honestly. I understood as well as anyone that lust did not necessarily mean love, and also of the powers of temptation. I could have taken all that because he always came back to me, smiling at me like there was no other woman for him in the world, and that all the other women in his life would never be competition.

But Gackt was a man. He was something I was not; could never be. And if the number of letters in my hands had any story to tell, it was that whatever was going on between them had been going on for a very long time.

My Hideto, my Haido-chan… he had sworn he that he was straight, that he was in love with me. How much of that was a lie?

The longer I thought, the more lose-lose the question looked. If he did love men… did that mean he had never really liked women (and therefore me) in the first place? But if he was in love with me, why would he go out and hurl himself into the arms of another man?

I was perplexed and distraught and quite shaken and I didn’t like it. I was suddenly insecure about things I had never had cause to be insecure about before, and I found that I had absolutely no one to turn to.

The baby gurgled something unintelligible and looked up at me, smiling a wide, gummy smile. For that moment, it made for some comfort.

But not enough. Nowhere near enough.

I pictured his angel face, smiling so sweetly at me, at our son. If all of it was true… all the things the letters hinted at… what kind of person was my husband to pretend to me so well?

I didn’t want to be angry with him. I hated being mad at him. But the anger came then, hot and choking and I felt like I wanted to scream or throw things. Considering my arms were full of my precious baby, I controlled that urge quite quickly, settling for balling my hands up into fists. Where was he? Was he really out snowboarding like he said? Or was he lying in a tangle of naked limbs in someone else’s bed?

I hated being insecure, unsure of myself, but there the letters lay, silent and incriminating.

I couldn’t bear it. Even though it was only 9:30—early by anyone’s standards—I couldn’t stand the thought of staying conscious anymore…

But I liked the idea of sleeping alone in our bed even less. And so I curled up in a little nest of blanket, my son held close to my heart and I forced my eyes to close, my breathing to slow, and allow myself to fall into a deep and merciful sleep.

But sleep would not come. No matter how I tried, I lay away in bed, listening to the sound of my child’s gentle breathing as he lay safe in my arms. And I lay there and I wished desperately to also be held in another pair of arms—warm, safe… and all doubts assuaged.

But they did not encircle my shoulders, and no warm presence appeared at my back. And so I lay there… numb, insecure, and the doubts remained.

I lay there, miserable, and thinking, almost bitterly to myself, Merry Christmas, darling… and… we had such a happy wedding anniversary too…

With one swift flick of the wrist, I batted the carefully-wrapped present off the night table beside the bed and turned away, hiding my face from the happy smiles in the wedding picture which had been sitting behind it. I didn't want to see it.

~*~*~*~



And... ^^;; That by no way is the last. Yes, do expect more coming, even if you dislike Megumi to the point of hating her. *shrug* I blame calculus. That's what started all of this in the first place. Calculus class.

*wails* I don't even have enough time to write my other fanfics (this one was written in a notebook, I'll have to see about doing the same with the others) or post in Pieces as often as I used because I don't have enough time. It's summer. This should not be happening.

But... just think... three more weeks and then I'm done, and I'll see if I can go to Baltimore...

*goes off, thinking of just bringing all her fanfic to Calculus and doing it there, in between numbers*
 
 
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Matthew Good Band - Weapon
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Stephaniemirroredsakura on July 8th, 2004 07:09 pm (UTC)
*grins* *glomps back* Why thank you! ^_^ I needed some sort of break between smut and humor. Angst seemed to fit the profile. And yay, insane-ness!! Company!! *passes over the flying pig and the jrocker astride it*
(Deleted comment)
Stephaniemirroredsakura on July 9th, 2004 03:09 am (UTC)
Sweeeettt.... *snatches him and trots off to disappear into my room*

Disturbing[ly erotic] noises ensue.

^^;; Yes. I'm crazy too right now. And... writing smutty fanfic. Connect the dots. You know where my brain's headed.
(Anonymous) on April 12th, 2005 05:18 am (UTC)
Sibyl
wow...this is soooo sad...made me cry...(getting very emotional) What a sad and deep fic! I love it...sigh...love can be painful sometimes, huh? It's still very beautiful writing...sad but poetic. I love your style!