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11 May 2005 @ 08:07 pm
Was cleaning my room. A thorough cleaning. It needed one.

Found all the old stuff. Sketchbooks, bits of scribbled stories, old diaries... and that. Still in its own little box at the very top of my closet that I used to have to climb up the boxes in order to reach.

...Still manages to make me cry, and it's already been years. I miss you, Daemon-love. I miss you and Raine so much still, it hurts. There's no point in asking why, is there? Story's simple: you went off and burned in your own little blaze of glory and left me behind. I love you, I miss you, I love you, I love you I love you so fucking much. I still hate myself for not stopping you while I still could, you know? Damn you for following through with it.

Sandy's a prostitute now, I think. Yes, that Sandy. Not just strip clubs nowadays... UofT's just a dream long gone by now. She's somewhere in Toronto blowing every cent that she has in her arm, I'm sure. She needed you more than I did. You know how I am... I can't do anything for her. Now I can't find her, either.

Amy's still wasting her life with that prick Aidan. Hates me now, too. Haven't seen her since that debacle last year. Don't plan to, either. Being threatened with a knife, no matter how small, by one of your friends, is not an experience I ever I want to live through again.

That's our old "crew" in a nutshell. But you know that right? Heaven must grant you some sort of omnipotence. I just... yeah. It's taken me almost an hour to get this far, and the feeling of spewing my guts out somewhere, anywhere is fading fast. So I'm just going to stop.

Your deathday's tomorrow. Both of you. How strange that I found that box today. I was so happy today. I swear I still will be.

I miss you.

If anyone did read that, I left this entry Public because just on the off-chance Mari or Meagan or Sarah, etc. (okay... maybe not Sarah ^^;;) happen to see me tomorrow, and I happen to arbitrarily forget and burst into tears or something (as unlikely as it is) they'll know why and (I hope) not worry about me.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Gackt - Secret Garden
Ryugoryu482 on May 12th, 2005 02:01 am (UTC)
Why does that passage seem so familiar?
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 02:28 am (UTC)
What do you mean?
(no subject) - goryu482 on May 12th, 2005 02:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 02:43 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - goryu482 on May 12th, 2005 02:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
meagainstar999chick on May 12th, 2005 02:03 am (UTC)
*hugs* deathdays are NO FUN. :(
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 02:26 am (UTC)
No. No they're really not. ^^;;
labrum on May 12th, 2005 02:36 am (UTC)
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 02:42 am (UTC)
^^;; I sound stupid, don't I?
(no subject) - labrum on May 12th, 2005 02:45 am (UTC) (Expand)
イッサンmiya_fangirl on May 12th, 2005 03:05 am (UTC)
*hugs you*

I lost a couple of friends/family members last year, and it hurt a lot. STill does. Life is shit soemtimes, ay?

Feel better sweetie.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 03:12 am (UTC)
It can be. I try not to let it get the better of me usually.

I'm sorry for your loss too, ne? *snugglelove*
feneryfenery on May 12th, 2005 03:12 am (UTC)
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 03:22 am (UTC)

<3 you.
(Deleted comment)
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 03:26 am (UTC)
I suddenly have this very Inuyasha-like scenario playing in my head where you pounce on me with each "*hug*" and I'm being smooshed into the ground.


sheika_takaraisheika_takarai on May 12th, 2005 03:33 am (UTC)
.___. eep ive no clue whats goign on but *hugs you tightly*
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
Yeah I know, I'm really bad when it comes to trying to explain myself. I don't end up making sense.

All in all, it comes to this: Daemon- and Raine-love were my friends, along with Amy and Sandy (Aidan was just a satellite). Daemon and Raine were riding on a motorcycle downtown Toronto without a license. Smashed into a light pole or something. They're dead now. Sandy's missing (presumably still wandering around Toronto but I haven't been able to find her) and Amy's... well, I don't think I want to see Amy ever again.
(no subject) - sheika_takarai on May 12th, 2005 03:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 01:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Selah: what you needspinshadow on May 12th, 2005 03:47 am (UTC)
*snugs and pets*
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 03:49 am (UTC)
Your icon is lovely. *loves you loves FB*
(no subject) - spinshadow on May 12th, 2005 03:57 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 01:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Ellelalalalaizuki on May 12th, 2005 10:22 am (UTC)
Waaaaiiiii~ ;-;

I'm sorry this had to happen to you~ ;-; *hugs*
(I read what happened in one of the above comments) ._.;;
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 12:56 pm (UTC)
Because the post itself was rather incoherent, yeah I know. ^^;;
lucipoplucipop on May 12th, 2005 11:00 am (UTC)
i'm so sorry that things like that happened to yoo.

want cookie? it might help ;_;
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 12:55 pm (UTC)
COOKIE!! *consumes*

^^;; <3
(no subject) - lucipop on May 13th, 2005 03:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
sentience1997 on May 12th, 2005 01:44 pm (UTC)
Genki o dashite

Perhaps not the most helpful advice but honestly my main strategy in these situations:

悪い こと わ 「みざる、 きかざる、 いわざる」 が いちばん です。

Zannen desu, Steph.

(and ps. i think english, romanji, kanji, and hiragana should totally be my new writing style)
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 06:36 pm (UTC)
Re: Genki o dashite
^^;; Well, that certainly was a merry little adventure in which I stared at the line of boxes in the Internet browser (er... am still at school), went to the LJ page which showed the actual words, c/p-ed into Babelfish, and came out with this:

The bad thing わ "you do not see, it is not effective, says" is first.

*snerk* From what I gather... I agree.
sentience1997 on May 12th, 2005 09:01 pm (UTC)
Re: Genki o dashite
it's one of the monkey proverbs along the lines of "see no evil, hear no evil, etc. etc." but more so in reference to 'memories/life can be good if you reflect on the good not the bad' -- ie. when thinking about people who are gone, dont think on their downfall, think of how they were before hand.

Hehe, and knowing me, i probably got the kanji wrong at the start-- though i think that is what got translated into "the bad thing" which then is probably what its supposed to be.
Re: Genki o dashite - mirroredsakura on May 12th, 2005 09:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Hareimachang on May 13th, 2005 12:15 am (UTC)
:( That was sad.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on May 13th, 2005 02:10 am (UTC)
Ideomideom on May 13th, 2005 02:26 am (UTC)
akradishakradish on May 16th, 2005 03:06 am (UTC)
sounds like some sad memories. I don't think I have anything that sad in me. If I do, it's probably not because of death, although my family has had a few in the last 2 years, perhaps it's lack of keepsakes, things to trigger strong memories that holds any sadness in. That or my saddest moments have more to do with other things...
(no subject) - mirroredsakura on May 16th, 2005 03:37 am (UTC) (Expand)