Stephanie (mirroredsakura) wrote,

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I now have words in my head. So I guess I'm going to say them. I promise they won't end up properly coherent. Looking back on them, I'm going to regret ever making them public. But then I always do. Comes of my inability to trust anyone, insofar as it goes past the normal everyday stuff.

Anyway, right now I'm feel particularly numb. I think I started crying when I saw the grades appear on the screen--I know I did, actually. But I was on the phone with my father, my mother was right behind me, and all I could think about was how hurt and upset and disappointed my parents were, despite their cheerfulness on the matter. We're all so good at that--pretending we're still happy even when we're really not. I know I am. But still, I still look at that CS mark and I feel empty. Shouldn't I care about it? Isn't it ultimately a blow against myself, rather than my parents? Frankly, no, it doesn't. Maybe it's just that I haven't accepted it yet. I work funny like that, I don't notice that I'm nervous until I look down and see my hands shaking--I still feel utterly calm.

But yes. I've got my music playing now. With the loud drums and the bass and the guitar--and I can't feel the music. It always feels like a memory of touching something, of something moving against my skin whether it's silk or fur, and I can't feel it at all. It's just loud sounds throbbing at my eardrums. Is this how everyone else listens to music? It's like shock, except I usually feel cold when I'm in shock. I don't feel cold. I may feel internally numb, but I'm still warm.

I also realize I have no one to call. When did that happen? Haven't I always had someone to stand beside me?

I just realized that that would be a "no". I don't think anyone ever has! Revelation! Not when it comes to personal matters especially, I guess. I don't like talking to other people. When it comes to talking about me, outside of text, words don't come. And then I get awkward and defensive and all that.

And Nelson's a wreck. I don't know to call him anything else. The biggest role model and hero of my life that I look up to in life is fucking himself into the ground and he's looking to me for help. Disillusionment is cool like that. So I'm not going to call him just to have him lick my wounds for me when he's got his own problems. Does that mean I need anyone else to? It'll just worry them, right?

S'always been my way of thinking. I'd rather everyone else be happy, and assume I am too so they don't have to worry about me. Worked so far, I guess.

...I've lost the point of this entry long ago. Whatever. It feels good to go on about nothing, sometimes. Blankspace is so much easier to talk to than a face that might turn around and repeat the same thing to someone else and then laugh. I'm sure it still happens, but it's a bigger stretch of the imagination. I can ignore it.

I don't have time for this entry, as is. I've got so much to do to help out around the house. I should have gotten started an hour ago. Where'd that hour go? It's now 11...

I also am in need of a bottlecap opener or whatever those things are called.
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