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23 December 2005 @ 10:38 am
I now have words in my head. So I guess I'm going to say them. I promise they won't end up properly coherent. Looking back on them, I'm going to regret ever making them public. But then I always do. Comes of my inability to trust anyone, insofar as it goes past the normal everyday stuff.

Anyway, right now I'm feel particularly numb. I think I started crying when I saw the grades appear on the screen--I know I did, actually. But I was on the phone with my father, my mother was right behind me, and all I could think about was how hurt and upset and disappointed my parents were, despite their cheerfulness on the matter. We're all so good at that--pretending we're still happy even when we're really not. I know I am. But still, I still look at that CS mark and I feel empty. Shouldn't I care about it? Isn't it ultimately a blow against myself, rather than my parents? Frankly, no, it doesn't. Maybe it's just that I haven't accepted it yet. I work funny like that, I don't notice that I'm nervous until I look down and see my hands shaking--I still feel utterly calm.

But yes. I've got my music playing now. With the loud drums and the bass and the guitar--and I can't feel the music. It always feels like a memory of touching something, of something moving against my skin whether it's silk or fur, and I can't feel it at all. It's just loud sounds throbbing at my eardrums. Is this how everyone else listens to music? It's like shock, except I usually feel cold when I'm in shock. I don't feel cold. I may feel internally numb, but I'm still warm.

I also realize I have no one to call. When did that happen? Haven't I always had someone to stand beside me?

I just realized that that would be a "no". I don't think anyone ever has! Revelation! Not when it comes to personal matters especially, I guess. I don't like talking to other people. When it comes to talking about me, outside of text, words don't come. And then I get awkward and defensive and all that.

And Nelson's a wreck. I don't know to call him anything else. The biggest role model and hero of my life that I look up to in life is fucking himself into the ground and he's looking to me for help. Disillusionment is cool like that. So I'm not going to call him just to have him lick my wounds for me when he's got his own problems. Does that mean I need anyone else to? It'll just worry them, right?

S'always been my way of thinking. I'd rather everyone else be happy, and assume I am too so they don't have to worry about me. Worked so far, I guess.

...I've lost the point of this entry long ago. Whatever. It feels good to go on about nothing, sometimes. Blankspace is so much easier to talk to than a face that might turn around and repeat the same thing to someone else and then laugh. I'm sure it still happens, but it's a bigger stretch of the imagination. I can ignore it.

I don't have time for this entry, as is. I've got so much to do to help out around the house. I should have gotten started an hour ago. Where'd that hour go? It's now 11...

I also am in need of a bottlecap opener or whatever those things are called.
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: 3 Doors Down - Away From the Sun
Ryugoryu482 on December 23rd, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
What's wrong with people worrying a little about their friends? My point being, you shouldn't have to pretend you feel a certain way if you don't, just to not worry your friends.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on December 23rd, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
Because I don't like bothering people. It's a cardinal rule that I've been hardwired with since I was born.

And I guess I've always been afraid that I'll find that there really is no one around me to care. So many of the people I know are great to laugh and hang out with and all that jazz, but when things go wrong, they're not people I can turn to, you know?

Besides, I know myself too well. My anger and my depression never lasts for very long, nor do they normally have any resolution--what's the point of making people I care about upset and worried about me over something that doesn't matter all that much, and that I can't do anything about?
Ryugoryu482 on December 24th, 2005 04:06 am (UTC)
It is your choice, of course. I can understand your position. If you ever needed to talk about anything, i'm sure many of your friends would gladly listen, I know I would.
Selah: beautiful serenityspinshadow on December 23rd, 2005 04:52 pm (UTC)
*curls around kitten and purrs* Well, kitten, you're stuck with me and I'm going to worry about you either way because that's what I do. I will also always be here for you, so if you need to ramble and vent, well, that's what I'm here for (among other thing, of course).
Stephanie: ayuhatmirroredsakura on December 23rd, 2005 09:55 pm (UTC)
My email doesn't want to tell me that you messaged me. ;-; *nuzzlehugs you* Thank you, ne? It means a lot, even when I don't know what I want to say, or how I want to say it.
Selah: daydreamspinshadow on December 23rd, 2005 11:46 pm (UTC)
*cuddles* I'd offer you my phone number for rambling purposes but a) it's long distance, b) I'd have to go look it up, and c) comments aren't exactly a secure place for such a thing. ~_^ Plus I'm terrible at talking on the phone. ^^ Not that it matters if you don't know what you want to say anyway. *nuzzles*
Stephanie: ayuhatmirroredsakura on December 24th, 2005 02:56 am (UTC)
Exactly. *loves* Thank you again. And trust me, I'm even worse on the phone. Much of my conversations comprise of awkward silences, and that would be both expensive and silly, I think. ^^;
M.: not a demonwolfgrin on December 23rd, 2005 05:11 pm (UTC)
Have some puppy, again. Puppy makes everything just a bit better.

I wish I could help you, Steph. ♥♥
Stephanie: ayuhatmirroredsakura on December 23rd, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC)
*melts over the puppy all over again* It's true, it does. And a gigantic soft plushy flying pony that only cost me $10.

I haven't seen you in a long while, love. Will I be able to, anytime soon?
M.: what you live bywolfgrin on December 23rd, 2005 11:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah, we really should get together some time. I'm ass at planning these things right now, but if you have some time, let me know, & we'll figure something out.
Sarah: BSG // starbuck on December 24th, 2005 12:55 am (UTC)
*whispers* Yoooou know going to New York for Mr. Cooper is the best place to see each other
M.: struck speechlesswolfgrin on December 26th, 2005 01:27 am (UTC)
New York would be lovely (although, probably miserably busy, too), but I'm working until five. This saddens me greatly.
Sarah: myv // schoolin'starbuck on December 23rd, 2005 08:30 pm (UTC)
We all fuck up Steph. We all do worse then we think we should. Hell, some of us even have teachers dock points, ruining the only course where there was the tiniest hope of a "good" grade, because they didn't like our attitude about attendence or assingment completion.

But I promise that it will eventually get better. Even though we can't see it now, and even though we have to accept some huge acedemic disapointments, it'll get better.

This year I also realized something very similar to you. Without my confidence and my good grades I had nothing, and no one. So I said to hell with the grades and I made friends. I still hate myself more then I could ever say for letting down my "great potential" acedemically, but at least I now, for once in my life, have people I can call and talk to, people who will hold me when they know I have fucked up yet again but can't bring myself to say it out loud.

We all need our priorities. And even when we figure them out we'll still feel like shit for all of those things we still think we should be doing, or think we should enjoy.

Neither of us will make it through the next segment of our life living for other peoples ambitions. When you figure out what you honestly want in life, everything else will fall into it's place around you. Even if the bad, and the failure, is still there too.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on December 23rd, 2005 09:48 pm (UTC)
I think you're right and I think we've both figured out a lot these past few months. But at this point, I need to make sure that my fuck-up won't cost me my entire future. My parents might not pay for my continuing University if they don't like the grades I'm getting now. I don't want to leave after only one term finished, is all.

Thanks though, that actually made me feel much better. ^_^;
Nananinanani on December 23rd, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC)
*featherhug* Grades are evil, evil things.

Nothing wrong with talking to text, either. You do have friends out here in the internet.. though it's not physical closeness, its still friendship.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on December 23rd, 2005 09:43 pm (UTC)
That's true. *snuggles into the Great Ball of Feathers* I'm just worried that I might not be able to go back, if my grades are too terrible. It's only been one term after all!
(Deleted comment)
Stephaniemirroredsakura on December 23rd, 2005 09:41 pm (UTC)
*grins* You and I both, my friend. ;p
qtbugqtbug on December 24th, 2005 03:23 am (UTC)
the only thing i can think of that helped me when my mind got hopelessly chaotic is sleep. i'm like you in that my depression and sadness doesn't last very long, so if i have a long sleep, i wake up and forget about them. i hope that will help you a bit.

And if no one else, you can talk about your problems to your family and i'm sure even sharing over lj can help a bit. just remember that people are here even though some of us can only exit in your life through internet. love.
Stefaniaasuka_tsuzuki on December 24th, 2005 10:12 am (UTC)
*hugs you* it's the only thing I can do ._______.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on December 24th, 2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
*nuzzles* That's a lot, sometimes, y'know? ^_^ Merci.
rinoa.: alexiel_prayaetheristic on December 24th, 2005 12:25 pm (UTC)
*hugs tight* Everything feels better after a long cry, a fragrant bath, and then some sleep. In the morning, everything you felt so awful about in one moment is a hundred times better... well, maybe not better but you're not in the depths of despair about it anymore, and you can think about it rationally. The amount of times I've cried myself to sleep only to wake up feeling a fair bit better...

...it's worth a try, at least.

I'm sorry, honey. Grades suck and I hope you're okay.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on December 24th, 2005 07:32 pm (UTC)
Yes, it does tend to work. Heh, a nap would do a body good anyhow, I suppose. ^^; *considers it*
aylengyraylengyr on January 1st, 2006 07:42 am (UTC)
*hugs* I've been trying to think of something "deep" or maningful to say since I first read this, but I never could think of anything proper to say. I felt a profound sense of hopelessness after reading your words. I failed really bad one year in college, it worked out for me in the end, I hope this won't cause you to lose hope. College isn't as important as your smile is. I want you to be happy, not worried and stressed about this stuff. See i told you I was having trouble thinking of anything to say. Well I think I should stop before I say more silly crap.
Stephaniemirroredsakura on January 2nd, 2006 07:08 am (UTC)
*smiles* I could love you for that. *nuzzles*

And... heh, yeah, I failed pretty badly this term--out of 5 courses, I failed 3, all of them core courses.

So now I've tried to figure stuff out somewhat and go back for an extra term to try and fix that somewhat. I'm doing something about it, anyway. Maybe I'll work towards a faculty switch into the arts--something I've always really wanted to do anyway. But hey, options! Always good. ^_^

And don't worry about the things you say. You did great. Thank you.
イッサンmiya_fangirl on January 3rd, 2006 02:27 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but one thing you must know; CS has been failed again and again by MANY people... Its a really tough subject. So please dont base your dissapointement on that grade alone. It's one mistake, not a failure in itself ok? And your parents might be dissapointed, but a happy steph matters more for them then all the grades in the world. So yes feel sad towards youself, but notm never towards them for getting one really bad grade. CS is not made for you, so just find what you want to do.

I see you haven posted in a while... so take time for yourse;lf and try to be in peace. Happy New Year sweetie. Email me if you need to talk (ihssane@gmail.com); sometimes even if you have a million friends not one of them can help you *hug*
Stephaniemirroredsakura on January 4th, 2006 03:47 am (UTC)
*smiles* It's not just CS. I went and failed all three of my core subjects. Go me.

But yes. Am doing something about that.
イッサンmiya_fangirl on January 4th, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC)

Then your core subjects, the whole academic path your were taking is not made for you. We're so young there is so much more we can do. Gambatte ne~

I know you can make it :) Be brave. *HUG*